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Baby, did it hurt? (You know, when you fell from heaven…)

20 May

You know, because we all want the creepiest guy we can find.

So, it goes without saying that most women get hit on by men that put up huge red flags at least once or twice. Getting attention from weirdos seems to be my specialty. In an effort to keep things a little light today, I’m just going to give you a quick round up of some of the most ridiculous pick-up lines I have heard over the past few years…

“I’m hammered. You’re hot. Wanna go do it in the alley?”  -No, no I don’t.

“My friend likes you. He’s in my pants, would you like to meet him?” -Really??

“You look like that chick from that movie – I’m too drunk to remember which one, but can I have your number?” -Sure. It’s 867-5309

“Wanna come back to a party with me? You’re really hot… I  mean, you smell nice and you don’t even have a lazy eye or anything.” -Are you fucking kidding me? That’s not exactly a compliment. Also, why are you close enough to smell me? Back up.

“Baby, I wish that you were gravy and I were a biscuit so I could sop you up.” -Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. EW.

“Drink up and strip down.” -Yeah, not going to happen. You’ve got a better chance of getting pregnant.

I’m pretty sure this is going to become a series of posts, as the idiots of the world never cease to amaze and astound me…

XOXO

So this is the year the world’s supposed to end? (I’m calling bullshit on that one)

5 Jan

Oh, you silly Mayans.

 
Well, here it is. A new year. This year, I’ve decided to abandon the traditional “New Year Resolution” bullshit. Why might that be, you ask? Because NO ONE EVER ACTUALLY STICKS TO THEIR NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS. Ask any of your gym-rat friends how busy the gym is in January in comparison to how busy it is in February. The difference is huge – by the time the end of January rolls around, the resolutioners have dropped off, and the regulars don’t have to fight for machines and free weights anymore. How do I know this? My friends, the regulars, have told me so… you know, after I’ve stopped going to the gym around January 17th. Every year, I come up with some lofty list of changes I’ll be making for the better, and few of them stick. The year I resolved to quit smoking went fabulously – mainly because I was already a non-smoker. How about instead of making some grandiose resolution, I focus on making small changes that all work together to create a better, faster, stronger Mishap? Sound good to you? Either way, I don’t really care, and this concept shall henceforth be known as making New Years tweaks. Tweaks to my sleep habits, my cleaning routine, my exercise plan (meaning I should actually probably start exercising), etc. 
 
2012. Stop panicking, assholes. So according to the ancient Mayans, this is the beginning of the end. Our world is going to end sometime in December. Guess what – if that’s what is going to happen, we have no way of stopping it. There is nothing in our power that can be done to stop this. So for those of you freaking out, knock it the fuck off. Live your life as you always do, or maybe spice it up a bit to make the year worth it. I’d be willing to be, however, that we will all (well, most of us at least) still be here once the ball drops to indicate 2013 has rolled on in.
 
New year, new opportunities? Everyone loves the idea of the new year because, for some reason, it smacks of “fresh start.” I cannot tell you how many Facebook posts I’ve seen claiming “2012 is MY YEAR” or “I’m going to kick 2012′s ass” or “This will be the year my life doesn’t suck anymore.” Guess what? You make your own opportunities. You have control (in some way or another) to ensure your life doesn’t suck. WHY OH WHY do we get complacent during the middle months of the year, only to play the resolution “life changing” BS once midnight strikes on December 31. I know, I know. I sound like a cynical bitch. I’m not apologizing for it. ANY DAY OF THE YEAR is a great time to make changes for the better, to make decisions you should have made a while ago, to step up your game and to make something happen. Been meaning to lose weight or work out or eat healthier? DO IT. DO IT NOW. Don’t wait until the time it seems socially expected to make a change. Hate the relationship you’re in? End it. Don’t like your job? Figure out why, and either do something to fix it or find a new one. Was this supposed to be the year you penned the next Great American Novel? Start writing. Upon closer examination, this is some advice I’ll be taking myself. Strap yourselves in, that alone is going to be a bumpy ride. ANY day can be the first day of the rest of our lives – not some over-celebrated holiday that serves as amateur hour for any asshole to get belligerently drunk and black out for a few hours.
 
Keep your eye out – I’ll be posting here more often (yeah yeah, you’ve heard it before, blah blah). Just another New Years tweak from yours truly.
 
XOXO
 
 
 

 

Another year past…

1 Jan

Big thanks to all my readers… Let’s keep it rolling.

 

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,700 times in 2011. If it were a cable car, it would take about 28 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

To Go Paleo, or Not To Go Paleo? (I might be losing my mind)

16 Nov

See ya later, Wendy's.

 

I think I’ve mentioned in previous posts that I’m a bit of a hypochondriac. However, besides the maladies I come up with in my own head, I’m genetically blessed with the following:

-Hypoglycemia

-Gall Bladder Issues

-The Occasional Kidney Stone

-Fibromyalgia

-Migraines

-Asthma

Totally blows, right?? Almost all of the above are completely managed, without medication, thanks to my fabulous docs who listened to me when I said I didn’t want to be on crazy amounts of medication. I have occasional flare-ups here and there, and over all, it’s kind of a nuisance.  In talking to some of my friends, I’ve been tipped off about the Paleo Solution Diet. Basically, this diet has you eating like a caveman. No processed foods. From what I’ve read at www.robbwolf.com, this diet isn’t a fad diet, it’s a drastic change in lifestyle. It would mean cutting out bread, it would mean no quick stops at Wendy’s. It would mean no dipping fries in a frosty (which I’m doing as I write this post, by the way). No more Diet Coke, no more disgustingly fattening yet oh-so-delicious foods that I absolutely love.

One of the claims behind this whole Paleo Craze is that it will help eliminate health issues. Seeing as the kidney stones and gall stones can most certainly form because of things I put into my body, my interest is piqued. Am I capable of cutting out packaged, processed foods?

I have the book on order, and am anxiously awaiting its delivery. Rather than be a complete masochist, if I decide to jump in head first and completely change the way I eat, I’ll be doing so AFTER Thanksgiving. I’d be an idiot to pass up my grandmother’s stuffing, right?!

 

Have any of you gone Paleo? If so, what are your results?!

 

 

Stop Being a Self-Centered Asshole, and Thank a Service Member.

4 Jul

First of all, Happy Fourth of July! You know, even though many historians call July 2nd our TRUE day of independence (look it up, I’m not kidding). As we all celebrate our freedom from the Brits many, many years ago, I can’t help but reflect on the true meaning of this holiday (along with Memorial Day).

For people working the typical 9-5, 5 day per week gig, both Memorial Day and the 4th of July mean one thing: THREE DAY WEEKEND. Personally, I usually end up working these weekends, but c’est la vie. What we as a country seem to have lost is perspective. It has become all too easy, even in a time of war, to forget the true message behind these holidays. Instead of taking a few moments to reflect on those who serve our country day in and day out. You know, those people who don’t get a three day weekend, because they are overseas, fighting wars many of us don’t even understand. Nothing pisses me off more than hearing people bitch and moan and complain about things that “go wrong” with such weekends, while not even acknowledging those who sacrifice to give us the RIGHT to complain.

Perhaps instead of being a self-centered asshole and thinking only of yourself, you could open your eyes and think about how many families are missing their loved ones at their BBQs this year because they are away with the military, or even worse, because loved ones who went to serve never came home because they made the ultimate sacrifice. Take a moment to thank someone who has served in our US Armed Forces – they’re the reason we’re all able to take three day weekends to booze and BBQ in the first place.

I say “Fuck the Lemons and Bail” (when the going gets tough…)

13 Jun

One of my all-time favorite movie quotes comes from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. In the scene where Jason Segel’s character is getting a surf lesson from Paul Rudd’s character (Kunu/Chuck, the surf instructor), Rudd’s character imparts some wisdom:

“When life gives you lemons, just say ‘fuck the lemons’ and bail.”

I know this has some pessimistic connotations, but if you think a little harder, sometimes saying “fuck the lemons” is just what’s needed for a pick me up. Having gone through some pretty heady stuff in my personal life fairly recently, I’ve found that sometimes taking those lemons and making lemonade as the original saying goes is either impossible or not worth the energy. By “fuck the lemons and bail”,  I don’t necessarily mean go ostrich and bury your head in the sand – that just makes you a pansy. What I mean is move on. Get over it. Don’t whine, dwell, or play twisted “what if” games in your head. Additionally, don’t take those lemons to social media- chances are, no one cares.

Don’t get me wrong, my lovely readers. As mentioned in my post about Facebook, I am a reformed addict. If shit was hitting the fan, it was on Facebook (or years ago, MySpace). I’ve found, however, that by posting stuff like that online, you’re making it bigger than it needs to be, and likely pissing your friends off in the process. There are exceptions to this rule (death in the family, tragic news, etc), but day to day bitching about trivial issues should be kept to a minimum. Nobody likes a Debbie Downer, and let’s face it… that pity you’re looking for can only drag you down even further.

Recently, I’ve had some fairly emotionally trying experiences – none of which will you find mentioned on my Facebook or Twitter, or even here. Partially because said experiences are intensely private, and partially because I don’t want pity. I want to say “Fuck the lemons.” Picking myself up by my bootstraps (do people still actually have bootstraps? WTF IS a bootstrap?) and trying to move forward has proven to be cathartic in its own right. Does my mind still wander to the “what if” list that is a mile long? Occasionally, but I do my best to quell those thoughts.

When saying “Fuck the lemons,” I’m not saying “I want to pretend this never happened” or “I don’t want to deal with my problems.” I’m recognizing the difference between things I can control, and things I can’t. Pretty simplistic concept, right? It’s a goddamn shame it’s only taken me, oh, I don’t know… 26 years to finally get that shit through my head.  It’s amazing what a difference a little age, some lessons learned the hard way, and a willingness to become more positive can make.

Kunu may have a flaky hippie kind of dude, but I’ll be damned if he doesn’t make a great point.

 

 

Movin’ On Up (or at least I freakin’ hope so)

20 Apr

I have been in retail for many, many years. I started out in high school, working as a cashier at a local, family owned pharmacy (shout outs to Geoff, Lauren, and Sean, who worked with me the majority of the time I was there). Fresh out of high school, in addition to hostessing/waiting tables at Bennigan’s, I found myself working in the wireless industry. Originally hired as an “administrative assistant” to take care of paperwork and inventory (thanks, Dave- pretty sure you’re the only person I know ballsy enough to hire an admin without permission), I quickly found myself selling. My manager saw this, and since then, I’ve been selling cell phones. I like to call it the purely accidental, yet well-paying, career choice. (Thank you, Temple U, for that degree I’m not exactly using… however, you helped me get a killer starting base pay, so I really can’t bitch.)

Eight years in this industry, and I have seen more changes than I ever could have imagined. When I started out, having a color screen on a phone was a luxury, cameras came as a separate (and expensive) attachment, and no one really quite understood what the hell bluetooth was. I have worked with some of the best (Meter, I’m looking at you) and some of the very worst (Hey Dave, remember that dude that stole those Nextels? Pretty sure he qualifies as one of the worst- especially since he’s the reason you flung that phone at the wall and nearly killed me). As I have worked my way through a few different carriers, both on the indirect and corporate side of the industry, I have finally landed with an organization that I believe in. Yeah, yeah… that’s right. I’ve been drinking the corporate kool-aid. So sue me. 

Having eight years of experience under my belt, I’ve made the decision to attempt to make my way into management. With that comes the tedium of waiting for desirable positions to open up, filling out applications, anxiously awaiting an invitation to go interview, preparing for said interview, interviewing, and then waiting to hear back from the interviewer. That’s where I’m at right now… waiting to hear back. I can honestly say, to me, this is the most challenging part of the process.

When it comes to interviewing, I usually freak out the entire night before, questioning my preparation tactics, my qualifications, the outfit I have planned, everything. However, when it comes down to the wire, a zen-like calm washes over me, and I walk in there confident and sure of myself. Yes, I’m a freak of nature, but I actually enjoy interviewing. I’m good at it. I can honestly say, I have never bombed an interview. Sure, some have been stronger than others, but when it boils down to it, I can turn it on like it’s my job.

My most recent interview, I’d like to think, went exceedingly well. It’s been right around two weeks since, and I haven’t heard anything… and this is the part that kills me. The heart-lurching feeling I get everytime my phone rings, in hopes of getting THAT call. So, here I am dear readers, waiting it out… wish me luck!

1,600 views in 2010. WOW!

2 Jan

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads This blog is on fire!.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 1,600 times in 2010. That’s about 4 full 747s.

 

In 2010, there were 19 new posts, not bad for the first year! There were 31 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 34mb. That’s about 3 pictures per month.

The busiest day of the year was May 8th with 188 views. The most popular post that day was Planet Fitness Should Probably Revoke My Membership (because my head is NOT a judgement free zone).

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were twitter.com, facebook.com, iconfactory.com, 12konblack.com, and WordPress Dashboard.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for bob marley, kid on a leash, child leash, planet fitness sauna, and bob marley smoking.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

Planet Fitness Should Probably Revoke My Membership (because my head is NOT a judgement free zone) May 2010
1 comment

2

These are my hands, these are my faults, these are my plans, and these are my nasty little thoughts (I wrote them down for you to contemplate…) April 2010
6 comments

3

My Inner Child Thinks You All Suck (or, why adults should act more like kids) April 2010
1 comment

4

Is this really my life? April 2010

5

The Dairy Queen Rock Debacle (or, how I put my car on a rock without even trying…) April 2010
1 comment

Welcome to Adulthood, Asshole (or, why you are not a productive member of society)

26 Jul

GASP! The Walking Mishap is ACTUALLY encouraging adults to behave like… well, adults?! Has hell frozen over? Boys and girls, it very well may have.

I believe in allowing ourselves to behave like children now and again. To laugh and play and be carefree so we don’t feel the urge to blow our brains out due to the crushing stress that can enter our lives. I believe in swinging on swings and sitting in parks and making out like high school kids (well, maybe not TODAY’s high school kids – most of them have more sexual experience than some adults I know – though spending time between the sheets is great stress relief, too).  I believe in taking pleasure in the little things, whether it be time spent on the couch laughing at It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia on DVD with someone who has the same twisted sense of humor as myself, or watching my little brothers beat the crap out of each other, or watching Dawson’s Creek on DVD with my sister, because it lets me relive high school in a way that doesn’t involve getting up at the ass crack of dawn to deal with a bunch of douchebags I didn’t like then and still don’t now. I do NOT, however, believe in completely blowing off responsibilities and treating others like shit and not holding yourself accountable for your actions. I also do NOT condone spending your days completely wasted (well, past college, anyway… but I’ve already covered that college kids are a special kind of shithead). I do NOT approve of throwing a hissy fit in public when you do not get what you want. So, here it is, folks. My general suggestions on how to NOT be a complete asshole.

The Walking Mishap’s Guide to Being a Grown Up

  • Don’t Touch Things That Don’t Belong to You. You would think, past the age of 5, this is an unspoken rule. However, in my line of work, I have found that people have no problem just touching and grabbing things without knowing what they are or what they do. Today, I had a customer grab three different objects, all related to our alarm system. She set three different alarms off at three different times, because she just kept TOUCHING things. When I asked her what happened, she said “Oh, I didn’t know what it was, so I figured I’d push a few buttons.” For fuck’s sake. Let’s be thankful I don’t work in a shooting gallery. If it’s not yours, and it’s clearly not an item that is on sale, DON’T TOUCH IT. I don’t come into your house and move shit around, do I?
  • Take Accountability. I don’t know if there’s something in the water, but does NO ONE own up to their own actions anymore? I cannot tell you how many times a day I see people pass blame for their own indiscretions, mistakes, and blunders onto other people. How hard is it to say “I was wrong, I’m sorry,” or “That was my mistake, I’ll fix it”? Instead, I hear things like “Well, Mike said he was going to handle that, so I didn’t think I had to,” or, “It’s not my fault you didn’t show me how to do it right.” What happened to the days when you acknowledged your mistakes, fixed them, learned from them, and moved on? Get it together, people, because I already see it in your kids, and it makes me sick. You’re raising a generation of twits who think they can get away with damn near anything if they can find a way to blame someone else. Congratufuckinglations.
  • Treat Others With Respect. For the past 25 years, I have been running under the assumption that treating others with respect and treating them how you would like to be treated is the way to do things. Apparently, I’ve been misguided. Being a complete asshole and speaking to people as though they are worth less than the gum stuck to your ugly ass Crocs seems to be acceptable and expected behavior these days. No common courtesy, no nod and a smile, no genuine “how are you today?” – why would we choose to be polite? Why would we possibly be bothered to extend friendliness and kindness to others? I’m not asking for handholding and skipping, I’m asking for common decency.
  • Lose the Sense of Entitlement. I was raised to work for the things I want. To earn them. Others, it seems, were raised to expect to have things handed to them. Newsflash: THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS. If my 16-year-old sister is capable of getting a job to help pay for a trip to Spain because my parents told her she had to earn it, I’m fairly certain all you middle-aged bastards out there stomping their feet because you can’t get something for nothing, are more than capable for paying fair price for earthly goods. Get over it, fork over the cash, and take it like a man.
  • Do Your Goddamn Job. Can someone PLEASE explain to me why people seem to think having a job is a god-given right, not something you have to work for?! I go to work and bust my ass every (okay, most) day, because I want to be the best I can be. I stay late when needed without being asked, I pick up slack when needed, and I do as I’m told, within reason. I refuse to even TRY to comprehend the mentality possessed by people who show up, expect others to do their work for them, and then bitch that they hate their job. Hate it that much?! LEAVE. Calling out simply because you don’t think you’ll get in trouble is unacceptable, especially when you know you’re actively fucking over your coworkers in doing so. This only pisses the people you work with off and makes them hate you more than they probably already do, so knock it off. Playing the system to get your way, stabbing coworkers in the back, and completely ignoring the duties of your job should result in immediate termination, but apparently, that’s too harsh. Shame on me for trying to actually advance in my career and attempting to be a model employee.
  • Keep Your Intoxication to a Minimum. There was a time in my life when I was intoxicated the majority of my days. That time was called college. Entering post-college life, I had a bit of a hard time adjusting, and partied like an asshole perhaps a little longer than I should have. However, I saw the error of my ways, and now keep my lush-like tendencies to a decent minimum. I’m not saying give up booze altogether, but if you can’t tell the difference between having a social drink now and again and being wasted ALL THE TIME, there’s an issue. Going to work still drunk from the night before isn’t cool or funny. It pisses people off. Waking and baking and remaining stoned for the entirety of the day is also something that should no longer happen once you’ve entered the real world. I have a very hard time taking people seriously who are clearly not coherent enough to grasp what we’re conversing about.

While I have plenty more to rant about, this is a mere starter’s guide. I don’t think any of these suggestions are overly outlandish or out of line – they are common sense. Please, take heed. Then again, I should hope none of MY lovely readers behave like many of the schmucks I encounter on a daily basis…

The Bucket List, compiled and ammended.

18 May

Rather than keeping this list broken into sections in various different posts, I’m just going to keep posting the whole list with additions as I go. I’ll also be checking items off as I complete them and/or commenting on the progress of some of these items if I start planning/making arrangements to complete them. I’ll italicize any changes/additions to make them clear. Having just recently gotten out of the hospital, I’m still in recovery mode (you know, because they’re still unsure of my complete diagnosis… more on that in a later post). Recovery/convalescence sucks ass, as I’m sure you can imagine, and I’ve had a whole lot of time to sit around and think about things… including my how I’m going to tackle this growing monstrosity of a list. Check it out.

  1. Learn how to surf
  2. Go skydiving (Trying to book a jump for late this summer/early fall, and get a group to go with me. Most of my friends are all talk, so I may be jumping alone)
  3. Bungee Jump
  4. Learn how to play an instrument and learn how to play it well
  5. Do stand up comedy – for an audience (I’ve been researching open mic nights and working on some rough material here and there… I find that my humor is often spur of the moment, so I’m not sure how I’m going to pull off being funny on command)
  6. Make a profound difference in someone else’s life
  7. Swim in the Pacific
  8. Swim with dolphins
  9. Spend time at an ashram
  10. Fall madly, head over heels, crazy in love- and make it last – my mom and dad are the inspiration for that one (Well, the first half was one of the easiest things I’ve ever done. Talk about a whirlwind of stupid feelings (what? you all know I loathe emotions and talking about them and acknowledging they exist) being felt by yours truly. Walking away from it for reasons I will not be divulging on the internet, hands down one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. We’re only going to count this item as half complete, since due to extenuating circumstances, making it last wasn’t an option… even if the feelings are still there (well, at least on my end – on his, I have no idea) Blah blah, wah wah… Enough lamenting.)
  11. Get yet another tattoo (or more than just one)
  12. Run a marathon (In true lazy bitch fashion, I’ve been doing all sorts of reading about “running for beginners” and asking my runner friends how to get started. Make no mistake, I haven’t ACTUALLY started running.)
  13. Volunteer in another country
  14. See the Northern Lights
  15. Learn Sign Language
  16. Learn Italian
  17. Open a bar/restaurant
  18. Get my writing published
  19. Have my photography publicly displayed in a gallery
  20. Drive the PCH from top to bottom
  21. Take a cross-country road trip, with someone who can rock out and laugh with me the whole way
  22. Go parasailing
  23. Make it to Bonnaroo, Coachella, SXSW, Bamboozle, Kokua, and any other festival I can find
  24. Learn how to snowboard
  25. Step foot on all seven continents
  26. Own a house on Long Beach Island
  27. Learn how to change my own oil and change a tire
  28. Get certified to teach Yoga
  29. Go White Water Rafting (I’ll be doing this in August, I’m sure I’ll have pics and whatnot to share)
  30. Learn how to skateboard
  31. Host a radio show
  32. Make http://walkingmishap.com an internet sensation
  33. Meet the following: Chelsea Handler, Jim Norton, Lewis Black, Ron White, Denis Leary, Sarah Silverman, and others I’m forgetting. These people are all brutally honest and wickedly funny. I’ve recently read books by the first two on this list, and goddamn, if I could write as fearlessly and openly (with confidence) as these two individuals, I’d be golden.

More later, kids… this list seems to keep on growing.

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